For intended use only.

The forward button. Once an efficient way to relay important information to those who need to be in the know. Now it is used improperly, clogging inboxes with random crap that some ignoramus thought up and added "forward this to 15 friends and you'll meet your true love. I you don't, you'll have bad luck for a year." They could at least come up with a better threat, such as being accused of child rape, malignant taint cancer that will rapidly spread to both the anus and genitals, or a pimple on the day of prom.

Unless it's scat porn, I'm probably not interested in your forward. If it is scat porn, I've probably already seen it thanks to the poor time management of the students on the UC Rugby team.

And since this blog itself is a blatant misappropriation of internet that could be hosting said scat porn, I've deleted my myspace as repentance.

Olives

What food group exactly does an olive fall under? It's not a vegetable, as olive oil is not vegetable oil. I'm fairly certain it's not a fruit. This sounds like a job for wikipedia.

Spite Child

Since my grandparents are devouring my entire weekend with a dinners for my Dad's birthday and one for Easter on Saturday then Sunday respectively, I've decided to have a kid out of spite.

My child will be absolutely devastated if his great-grandparents don't make all three performances of his middle school play (Th-Sat), its soccer game on Sunday (forecast: freezing rain), and maybe they could watch it Monday while I run some errands. Tuesday it has a little league game, and Wednesday it will have a confirmation or baptism of somesorts somewhere.

See how they like mandatory invitations.

PBS

Pool Boy School was hell. I have yet to regain my strength to tell about it.

Cleaning Frenzy.

I'm going out of town for 4 days for Pool School. It's only really two, as I'm leaving Tues morning and getting back Friday evening.

However, for some reason I've been preparing for like two days for the excursion. I've never left my dwelling completely unattended for several days, I've always had a roommate or someone who would be there.

Before I could abandon my abode, for some reason I had to do the dishes. Between stealing from Wismer Cafeteria for four years and my mom giving me the dishes my dad's parents gave to her, I have enough place settings that I could use a different set for three meals a day for a week and not have to do dishes. I have enough pots and pans to cook these meals, thanks to my mom and aunt giving me pots and pans, as well as my newly acquired plunder from helping my buddy Vance move some stuff (I will gladly come help anyone carry stuff, no problems. However, I will always express interest in something not being used, and the person I'm helping out will feel compelled to offer it as a sign of gratitude. This is also how I got my knife set from Jonboy. I'll want some beers too.)
So in short, there was no way in hell those dishes would've been done before the weekend, but for some reason, I could not stand the thought of them being here dirty and alone.

I also brought in my snowshovel, broom and the rugby water cooler in from the porch. The cooler is a waste of time, money, and space anyway, as I've rapidly discovered that 25 high school girls do not drink 5 gallons of water in a two hour period, especially when a) some bring their own water b) we rarely give them water breaks c) if they do get a water break, I spend it yelling "back here in 60 seconds...hustle! hustle! hustle!
All three have been outside for the taking ever since I moved in, but they were at least semi-attended.

I also had to eat everything in the fridge that could possibly spoil. This took some planning, as I'm trying to quit being fat. Normally I don't average 4 eggs a day and it would've taken me about 3 more weeks to finish the carton, but those eggs might turn without me here. Same with the cheese. Luckily they go well together. The leftover tomato sauce needed a separate dish, but cheese goes with that too.

I threw away the eggnog (even though we went out of the way to buy eggnog last week, for some reason Sean and I just drank rum and coke) and potatoes with kidney beans (due to the fact that my proportions were off and it was 85% kidney bean), but haven't taken out the trash, as I may have to throw something away in the morning. However, as I am getting picked up at 7:30, I will obviously forget to take out the trash, leaving the eggnog, egg shells, and kidney beans to decay at their own rate and making my consumption of the perishables negligible.

I just realized I probably shouldn't be advertising on the web that I'll be gone from Tuesday morning until Friday evening, but I'm taking the laptop with me, so there's really nothing of value here, minus the 12 year old tv that will be obsolete before you know it. But yeah, if for some reason you do feel compelled to break into my house (just you try, I've closed all the blinds for added security!), could you please take out the trash if your arms aren't too full with the cooler, broom and shovel?

Dear Girl in Clinton 3am Ad,

Please cease appearing in any type of media. You cannot vote, as it has been deemed that minors are not capable of generating an informed opinion. For this reason, who you support is irrelevant, especially since you admittedly formed your opinions when you were 14. Thank you for making it known that you enjoy both the Jon Stewart Show and your American Politics class, I'm sure your fellow high school students enjoyed the shout out.
If you are angry about being in the ad for 4 seconds, you should probably discuss it with your parents, as they are the ones who sold those images of you for financial gain. I hope some lonely prisoners who will be released soon saw you on CNN.

Deal or No Deal.

Seriously, how is this a show? I would like to appear on this show and either sit in a lawn chair reading a magazine while bells and whistles go off all around me and calmly turn down each offer and pick the suitcases sequentially until they open my case. Or maybe even better, immediately take the first offer they give me, as who in their right mind would ever flat out refuse a free 8 grand?

...if it ain't about the money, Puff, I just don't care.

Yeah, there's broken glass everywhere. Someone, maybe me, broke a glass in my living room. I can't really specify when, but I vaguely remember it happening. I know it was when people were over, so it was more than a month ago, but I still constantly find shards in my carpet. It's worse than glitter.

I guess I should buy a vacuum, but currently I find picking up whatever little bits of dirt i find while laying on the floor with the computer much cheaper.

Unrelated: After spending some time on ratemyink.com, I have decided that if you have a nautical star tattoo and have never raided a spanish galleon, you are shunned from society.